Tag Archives: loneliness

The Fear of Being Left Behind…

Hello… it’s me… again… ooops sorry I left you hanging. Time to roll out that overused phrase ‘I’ve been so busy’, which is true but yet sounds so lame. So it’s been a weird few months, I’ve been overwhelmed by this unsettling feeling that I haven’t really been able to put a name to or even talk about (as how can you put into words something you can’t recognise). But I feel some of you will relate so here goes…

Everyone is doing great, there’s been houses, marriages and babies, new careers, old careers, one way tickets and so on. Yet I’ve been kinda the same really, still not 100% sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, no house, no relationship, no children (thankfully), and sadly no one way tickets. So I guess in the race of life I’m still puffing up the first hill, where others seem to be bolting forward. It’s a tough one where I’m glad to still be running, but also not sure if I should be speeding up a little by now before the pacemaker laps me or something.

I guess it all comes down to perspective, success is different for everyone, and you simply can’t compare one person’s timing to another’s, after all life isn’t a race to be won. It’s a journey to be enjoyed or some other cliche you’d find on one of those motivational Instagram accounts. But it doesn’t stop the fear of being left behind from rearing it’s ugly head from time to time (all the time).

It can be easy to dedicate too much time to overthinking, I often find myself overcome with the fear of being left behind like one of the toys in Toy Story (emotionally unbalancing at any age). Little things turn into big things and eventually it becomes one giant black hole of nothingness where you’re struggling to stay afloat. It’s a lonely world. BUT (and this isn’t one of those ‘new year resolutions’ that means well and gets forgotten in a few weeks) I think growing up means learning to accept yourself; after all we are our own worst critics. It’s reminding yourself of your personal successes and not comparing them to others. It’s not thinking ‘there must be something wrong with me’ or ‘I’m not good enough to be where I want to be’ but having the confidence and self belief to keep going. So yeah it might be taking me a bit longer than everyone else, and that in itself makes me uneasy, but it’s time to stop overthinking (LOL so much easier said than done I know, I know).

2018 is going to be my own little happiness project. True happiness has evaded me for sometime now and it’s time to bring back that loving feeling. How do you do that? Well I don’t really know… (if you’ve got the answer feel free to let me in on the secret)… but I’m sure gonna enjoy working it out.

Until next time.
Kerry x

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Weight Loss & Loneliness…

So I’ve been on this journey now for around 2 years, though I guess in reality it has been most of my life, years of back and forth between being somewhat healthy and absolutely not at all. Losing weight, getting fit and healthy is an exciting change but also a lonely time, infact I’ve never really truly felt loneliness quite like it. To really want to change yourself requires dedication, it requires compromise and time; not just to exercise but to plan and prep your food, to educate yourself and to rally motivation by yourself, for yourself. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not easy, there is no magic fix, you have to want it and then do it.

Now what I wasn’t prepared for is the consequences of weight loss; ok that sounds silly, like yes I knew my bank account would take a hit with gym fees, workout wear and new clothes to fit my shrinking self, I expected people to notice and give me compliments (I’m getting better at receiving them, though I still cringe a little inside), what I mean is… skin. Lordy there is so much spare skin. Gross. Stretching your body over time, has an effect, the elasticity your skin has wears over time, it doesn’t just snap back as you’d like or maybe think it would. I dreamed of wearing a bikini on holiday or a dress with no sleeves to a friend’s wedding, embracing summer finally and showing off my ‘new’ figure. But when I look at myself, I know that won’t happen just yet. It’s a cruel world when you work so hard for something and it finds another way to spite you. I want to be happy with how I look, I want to feel proud that I’ve turned it all around, I want to feel normal and not like the ‘fat friend’ but it’s a struggle… one I know I’ll overcome eventually (once I’ve saved for the surgery haha).

21stone

Before…

So ok, this blog is meant to be about weight loss only but I feel maybe this will resonate with a few people so here goes. It’s a weird time in my life in general, most of my friends, I guess what you’d traditionally call your ‘support system’ have their own lives, they have partners (or husbands), their own homes, careers and perhaps even children, they don’t live in the city but the suburbs, a night out requires weeks of advance planning not just a shall we go for one drink job. We speak most days (ok ok we send a lot of memes via whatsapp), we catch-up when we can, but naturally this is all very high level conversation, in that we discuss what’s current, who’s doing what and life in sweeping motions.

Moving from London back to Birmingham was a culture shock, gone were the after work drinks, the weekly pub quizzes and the 4am nightbus home, in fact most weeknight’s without the luxury of the last tube were pretty boring. It’s a different way of life here, one where people want to get back to their homes, their families and children, and mid-week drinking isn’t the done thing. This has without a doubt aided my fat to fit progression, but it’s been tough to really come to terms with. Not one to sit around I have made sure I am intensely busy; I run a social action project helping the homeless, I volunteer my marketing expertise outside of the office, I play netball, I run, I work out, I have a full diary of activities, when it’s the football season I go to every game but being busy I’ve figured out doesn’t actually make you feel any less lonely.

getting there

Present

Like how do you even make new friends at 26. I had these visions in my head, like I’ll join a gym in town, and go to zumba, one day they’ll be a girl similar age and I’ll go ‘hey, nice leggings’ or something equally harmless and suddenly we’d be grabbing a coffee after our class and ‘alright, yeah you’re normal, let’s be friends’. In reality a stranger talking to strangers is viewed as a bit creepy, we’re all guilty of it, we want to be left alone, someone speaks to us on the train or the bus and we’re wondering when to put our headphones in.

What I’m learning from my 20s is that I can have all the confidence in the world with my passion, career, myself, and it can still be immensely lonely. I think it is an internal conflict of sorts as I’m pretty sure most people who know me would think I’m very happy, I always smile, I tell a lot of jokes, I’ve always been confident – first one on the dancefloor, last one off it kinda gal. By my late 20s I imagined I’d be happy with myself, have a career I’m proud of (this bit is fine fyi it’s not all doom and gloom), be settled not just in geographical terms but in love and in life. Being as I’m now in my mid 20s I’ve a lot of groundwork to do to catch up and sometimes it can feel like you’re making all the progress in the world but getting nowhere at the same time.

Now that was all very melancholy stuff, but I think it’s quite important to have a grasp of reality, that you know maybe these haven’t been the best years of my life, but instead a transition period. It’s ok to admit you’re lonely and to talk about it, openly; in a world where we are all constantly interconnected it can be quite overwhelming to have an honest face to face conversation with someone about something you’re struggling with, I’ve not managed that yet. But like I said right at the start, it’s a journey, I might not know where I’m going but I’m sure I’ll get there, because one thing I have learnt these past couple of years is believing in yourself is the foundation for happiness.

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